Loss of a pet or a relative

Grief and loss in childhood is a very specialist subject. Some families have pets to teach their children a sense of responsibility and caring. The loss of a pet is a lesson in life. It teaches the child that life is precious and not permanet. Learning to accept that loss is helpful in later life but explaining that loss to your child can be difficult.

There are a number of books written for children of different ages which can be useful in helping them to cope with the grief and loss of a relative or friend. These are books which should be read together, child and parent, and offer opportunites for discussion afterwards.

The level of understanding about grief and loss is also a part of the general development of a child. Even a baby will pick up on parental distress without any understanding of the cause. We often try to hide out fears from our children so that they do not experience the same fears, fear of spiders for example. We should be able to find a balance in sharing grief without overloading children. Loss is part of life, and if we want our children to be well balanced and confident, then we also want them to have an understanding of the many changes in a lifetime. This involves learning coping skills to help them deal with the many experiences they will have.

If you would like some titles of books to help you broach this subject with your child contact Dream-Angus.com

Anxiety in childhood

Anxiety in childhood is not unusual and in most cases with reassurance and time spent building the child's self esteem and self confidence this is short lived. Children can be anxious for a variety of reasons. It is normal for young children to be concerned about being separated from a parent or to be afraid of the dark, storms, animals, insects or strangers. With reassurance this can be overcome.

Some children are so anxious and uptight that this anxiety impinges on activities and they require a great deal of reassurance. Anxious children are quiet, compliant and eager to please and their anxiety may be overlooked.

Anxiety increases the heart rate and rate of breathing. This is part of our fight or flight mechanism and encourages good oxygenation of the arms and legs in case we have to run away or fight. This causes a feeling of pounding heart and breathlessness. The child may have diarrohea or be constipated. The divertion of blood from the internal organs causes a feeling of stomach churning or "butterflies". The mouth becomes dry, muscles tense, sweating increases and the child is very alert. This can lead to a feeling of lightheadedness and even fainting.

While a certain amount of anxiety is useful and even healthy when a child is exessively anxious they lead to panic. Panic attacks sometimes happen when there is no immediate threat to life. These panic attacks are one of the most common psychological problems in the Western World affecting 2-3% of the population. Young people experiencing these distressing feelings and events are often not fully aware of why they feel so frightened and they cannot always express this feeling or communicate it to their parents. This adds to their distress.

Parents often feel frustrated as they do not understand why their child is behaving in this way or what has caused this. It is important that they control and hide this frustration from the child. What then can parents do?

Be calm, relaxed and confident. Reassure the child but do not raise your voice you will only increase the child's discomfort and distress. Using positive language " I will keep you safe" "you will be all right" , distracting them by offering a focus that the child can use to think about instead of the frightening situation that they are in. Talk about normal happy things, remove the child to a quiet relaxing place and offer them a drink which does not contain caffine. Stay with the young person, ask them to concentrate on their breathing and to breathe deeply until they are calm and relaxed. People in a panic do not make good decisions as they cannot properly assess risk.

If these panic events occur more than once and are affecting school work or other activities then consult a Child Psychologist. There are effective treatments available and it is important that these events are not ignored.

Parenting skills

There are many decisions which have to be made when one becomes a parent. Some are comparatively easy and straightforward but the sense of responsibility that goes with parenting makes many very aware of the "guilt" experienced or immagined when things are less straightforward.

Parents are responsible for the safety of their children, for their first impressions of the world and their fellow humans. We all want our children to be able to be independant people and to have the necessary skills to cope in the complex world of relationships, with peers and authorities,and to be able to feel secure and confident in that world. There are as many different parenting styles as there are children and parents. No one style works for everyone. There are a rich variety of books on the subject, but even these often contradict each other. At the end of the day there is no perfect parent just as there is no perfect person we all seek to do the best we can with the knowledge available to us.

While many parents want to be their child's friend, they do their children a great disservice in following this path. Children require guidance and firm rules, which they will challenge as they grow. The very rules set by parents are important as a form of security. The certain knowledge that a particular behaviour or behaviours are unacceptable, and will be met with equally unacceptable outcomes, are part of the fabric of learning to live in society. While conflict is not always pleasant or positive, there are times when it is inevitable and should be met with understanding and with firmness which demonstrates that the caring person guiding the child is capable of fully accepting that responsibility.

Children who learn to live by the rules of their parents and to accept that there are consequenses when they behave badly are generally much happier. Setting limits for your child does not mean that you need to be particularly strict or harsh. It is always more comfortable to live within the bounds of known and accepted rules than to be in conflict where there appears to be little reason or no known guidelines to follow.

Quiet play.

How does one define "quiet play"? Well, for most mums' it is any activity which keeps a child or children working quietly on a project which is interesting, but not exciting or very stimulating. Many sleep experts define quiet play as reading or being read to, listening to music, drawing or colouring in. Quiet play is a good wind down activity which leads to bed time and doesn't over stimulate or over excite the child. That's fine as far as it goes.

If you are working, even with a child as young as three to six months, then reading a book to them is a pleasant activity which does not require any active response from the child. Starting this kind of activity at an early age is good because it encourages use of language and recognition of simple objects. Even reading nursery rhythms is useful as the learning of cadence, rhythm and phrasing helps with language development. Listening to music which is quiet and soothing without any sudden loud phrases or jarring noise, (this is surely a matter of personal taste) can be soothing to the child. In one so small being held comfortably and patted slowly or stroked gently can also be soothing.

Quiet play does not include computer games or games which require interaction at a high level. These undoubtedly have their place but it is not as a pre cursor to bedtime. It is important to stimulate immagination but bed time is not a good time for this particularly if your child has nightmares or fears of the dark or being alone.

Quiet time is a useful time in bonding with a parent who is always busy, or not available during the day. The last hour of wake time is a good time to spend listening to your child telling you about his/her day, enjoying close physical contact, and learning to relax and wind down together is good for both parent and child. The last hour before bed time is quality time for parents and children and we do all a disservice if we just switch on the television and expect that to be enough.

Swaddling.

Swaddling is the art of wrapping a baby or infant so that they are held firmly in cloth binding. This is a practice that has been carried out through the ages since biblical times. Originally swaddling was a method of restricting the movement of the child, and was thought to encourage strong, straight growth of the child's limbs. The degree of swaddling, which used to involve several different bindings altered in about the 17th century when it was decided that this was too restrictive a practice. Since then swaddling has been refined to the wrapping of the infant in a single piece of cloth or a shawl.

Many cultures still swaddle children until they are independantly mobile. In the west we swaddle newborn babies but some people think that swaddling should be discontinued at 8 or 12 weeks. There is no evidence to suggest that this is good practice, in fact the research completed in 2002 and 2005, and quoted in Pediatric journals, suggests that swaddling has a rich variety of benefits for the child and for the parents.

Swaddling a newborn makes the baby feel secure. While in mothers womb only limited movement was possible, baby was confined by mothers womb and abdominal muscles. Swaddling gives the baby the sensation of being held. Surrounded by the deep pressure of a breathable wrap, only baby's head is left free. This "holding", without physical contact, allows baby to relax and sleep on his/her back. The startle reflex, which causes baby to abruptly open arms and swing unco-ordinated hands and arms, can result in an unswaddled baby hitting themselves and can waken an otherwise settled baby.

Swaddling calms a fussy baby because it makes baby feel secure. One well recognised Pediatrican points out that this is one of the "four S's which calm and settle babies!" Today many mums are discouraged from maintianing swaddling after 12 weeks on the grounds that after this time swaddling impacts on a childs growth and motor development. Again, there is no evidence to back up this eroneous claim.

Swaddling has the following positive benefits;-

1) Swaddled babies sleep longer and better. Startles are reduced, there are fewer awakenings during deep sleep, and there are shorter arousals during REM sleep.

2) Swaddled babies are kept at a warm temperature without the risk of loose bedding covering their face and head.

3) Swaddling reduces fussiness and may even help eliminate colic.

4) Swaddling keeps baby sleeping on his/her back which is recommended for the prevention of Sudden Infant Death.

5) Swaddling is associated with increased awareness of environmental auditory stress, so although baby sleeps longer and deeper baby is also more alert to danger.

6) Swaddling makes it impossible for baby to scratch themselves or jerk their limbs and wake themselves by the unco-ordinated limb movement.

As babies grow stronger and more mobile they will wriggle free of the swaddle but there is no evidence that swaddling will inhibit a childs development in any way. Of course, as the child grows swaddling should only be done for naps and night sleep. The rest of the time baby should be able to use their limbs freely and experience the world.

As recently as July of this year researchers were being quoted as having further evidence of the benefits of swaddling even in older children. It is never too late to swaddle although some children do take a little time to get used to this if it has been discontinued earlier.

Bruxism, Teeth grinding in sleep

Bruxism (forceful teeth grinding during sleep) is thought to be the third most common parasomnia (partial arousal) experienced in the population. Parents notice this in their children and it can be a disturbing sound. Although parasomnia's tend to decrease in childhood, bruxism tends to remain for some children even at 13 years.

Approximately 20% of children are reported to grind their teeth during sleep and wake complaining of facial pains or headache. Stress has been considered to be a contributing factor but some studies have found no related day time stress reported in patients who grind their teeth.

Bruxism tends to be part of a chewing and swallowing process and a study in 2003 postulated that children with reflux may experience bruxism as a secondary effect along with increased saliva production. Sleep position also has an effect on the level and frequency of bruxism.

In 2008 further work on sleep disordered breathing showed a positive reduction in bruxism following tonsil and adenoid removal. Randomised Controlled Trials of occlusive dental splints have not conclusively demonstrated this device is sufficently effective in resolving sleep issues, although they may reduce wear and tear on teeth.

Perhaps the assessment of children with bruxism by Ear Nose and Throat Specialists would be worthwhile, particularly for those for whom sleep disordered breathing is an issue? There seems to be no current consensus on how best to resolve this parasomnia. Some authorities believe children may outgrow this but there remains an adult population who also experience bruxism.

Further research should lead to a better overview of both causes and the identification of effective treatment.

Childcare outwith the home.

Many mums have to work these days and this means that they must seek child care. Finding a suitable place which has a space to take your child involves considerable research. What are you looking for in a creche or day care centre? What recommendations have you had and what or where is the most convenient place for you?


No matter how caring the staff they are not going to do things as you would yourself. That's not possible when they have numbers of children to care for. If you have a good routine for your child there is every possiblity that this will be maintained, if you tell the staff about it. If you are still struggling to get your child to nap in the daytime, or if you really want your child up and awake by 3.30pm to avoid the knock on effect on night sleep, then you have to consider the routine within the care facility.

If you have the opportunity to develop a good routine for your child before you need child care then use that opportunity wisely. It can take 3-4 weeks to establish a sound daytime nap routine, once you have confidence in this it can be easier to allow your child to be cared for outwith the home. This is a big adjustment period for both parents and child. As long as the experiences the child has at home are loving and supportive, children will adapt reasonably easily to a child care facility. For most children day care can be a positive experience offering them the opportunity to play and interact with other children. Learning that there are some experiences which don't include mum and dad but are still enjoyable can help with a degree if independance before separation to start school.

When you have to find care for infants it is not so easy to explain to them that they cannot be with you all the time. The best you can do for your infant is to make the time you have together happy for both of you. Starting to make routines early in life can prove a touchstone for a little one. If the care facility can continue to maintain these routines then it is so much easier all round. If you are confident in the care provision you have set up for your child and confident that your child has the routines in place to calmly accept this new adaptation the whole experience can be so much simpler.