Parenting skills

There are many decisions which have to be made when one becomes a parent. Some are comparatively easy and straightforward but the sense of responsibility that goes with parenting makes many very aware of the "guilt" experienced or immagined when things are less straightforward.

Parents are responsible for the safety of their children, for their first impressions of the world and their fellow humans. We all want our children to be able to be independant people and to have the necessary skills to cope in the complex world of relationships, with peers and authorities,and to be able to feel secure and confident in that world. There are as many different parenting styles as there are children and parents. No one style works for everyone. There are a rich variety of books on the subject, but even these often contradict each other. At the end of the day there is no perfect parent just as there is no perfect person we all seek to do the best we can with the knowledge available to us.

While many parents want to be their child's friend, they do their children a great disservice in following this path. Children require guidance and firm rules, which they will challenge as they grow. The very rules set by parents are important as a form of security. The certain knowledge that a particular behaviour or behaviours are unacceptable, and will be met with equally unacceptable outcomes, are part of the fabric of learning to live in society. While conflict is not always pleasant or positive, there are times when it is inevitable and should be met with understanding and with firmness which demonstrates that the caring person guiding the child is capable of fully accepting that responsibility.

Children who learn to live by the rules of their parents and to accept that there are consequenses when they behave badly are generally much happier. Setting limits for your child does not mean that you need to be particularly strict or harsh. It is always more comfortable to live within the bounds of known and accepted rules than to be in conflict where there appears to be little reason or no known guidelines to follow.

Sleepy, Dopey and Grumpy, (sleep disorders in puberty and adolescence).

Around the time of puberty onset the previous sleep wake cycle is known to be physiologically delayed by about 2 hours. This later sleep onset and wake time than in middle childhood is a result of the pubertal hormonal influences on the circadian sleep wake cycle and on the secretions of melatonin.
The child's sleep needs do not differ dramatically, this should still be 9-9.5 hours, but many children at this stage only have 7-7.25 hours of sleep. This results in a considerable sleep deficit. Adolescents are recognised as having a decreased daytime awareness and some studies suggest that many teens function for a good part of the day in a "twilight zone". This is not dissimilar from an individual with Narcolepsy.

External factors which impact on this sleep include;-

• Early school start time
• Homework
• After school jobs
• Extracurricular activities

High achievers and children with chronic medical issues or psychiatric problems such as depression, are at particularly high risk of developing sleep disorders. It is suggested that the prevalence of sleep disorders in this group may be as high as 20%. Chronic sleep deficit in this age group leads to significant negative neurobehavioural consequenses such as;-

• Negative impact on mood
• Vigilance
• Motivation
• Reaction time
• Memory
• Attention

It is very important that at this critical time children maintain good sleep hyigene and regular sleep wake times which will strengthen the circadian rhythm.

Tantrums

Temper tantrums usually start when a child is about 1 year old. The child is becomong more independant and may appear to be demanding, stubborn and unco-operative. Tantrums are common in two year olds but if managed well, are less common at ages three and four years.
Part of a parents responsibility is to teach the child to manage frustration and express anger in appropriate ways.

Tantrums may include ;-

• Crying (without being hurt)
• Screaming and yelling
• Stamping feet
• Breath holding
• Rolling arround on the floor
• Vomiting (usually only in severe tantrums)

These tantrums occur when children are angry or frustrated. They may be the result of being told No! Things may not be going as the child expects, the task they have been asked to do may be too difficult, they may lack the vocabulary to express how they are feeling, they may be overtired or there may be absolutely no obvious reason.

Every child is different. Some are quiet and easy going and seldom have tantrums. Others have quick tempers and tantrums are frequent. Children quickly learn that a tantrum may bring them the outcome they want and learn to escalate their behaviour until they acheive their goals. Managing these events so that they are not escalated and become less frequent is a challenge for many parents. How best to react to a child who is "bringing the house down" and get it right so that there is no reward for this behaviour is an important question.

The key steps to managing this behaviour are ;-

• Plan ahead to prevent the tantrums
• Give your child praise and attention when they are behaving well.
• If a tantrum occurs use planned ignoring (for younger toddlers.)
• For older children, tell them what to do and use "time out" if the tantrum continues.
• Praise your child as soon as they are quiet or behaving well.
• Return your child to an activity once the tantrum has resolved and praise them for good behaviour.

To help prevent tantrums it is necessary to have a few realistic rules. Decide if your child's requests are reasonable before you say "yes" or "no" and having made your decision stick to it. Keep your child busy with activities especially in situations where they may easily become bored and disruptive. Throughout the day let your child know what you are doing and what is going to happen so that they know what to expect. Watch your child and praise them for behaving well.