6 Tips for dealing with Temper Tantrums

Temper Tantrums are most common in the 2 to 3 year old age group. Children of this age regularly experience overwhelming emotions and, if they manage to stay on an even keel all day long they are copping very well indeed. They do not have the language skills, or the vocabulary to tell their parents what they are feeling,  this can make life overwhelming at times.

When your child has a melt down they are demonstrating to you what it feels like when they can no longer cope. This can happen because they are exhausted or overwhelmed. It is not an attempt just to get attention. They are probably frightened as well as angry. Their anger has become so powerful that they can no longer see mummy and daddy as friendly and helpful. Coming up with a solution, or buying them off with treats is not helpful. (although most parents have done this at some time!)

Coping with your child's temper tantrum does not mean trying to stop the child from being angry. It is about coping with how angry this makes you feel. During a meltdown it is easy to become as angry as your child and to scream back at them. No parent can be perfectly calm throughout these events, but you need to be able to control your own emotions, particularly when your child's emotions are outwith control.
Firmness, understanding and tolerance are all very important. Simply telling a child to behave does not empower them to cope with  their overwhelming feelings. This is something they learn, but it takes time. Learning that it is possible to be distressed or angry without throwing a tantrum, comes from the demonstration of their parents who can be seen struggling to cope with their own frustration and worry.

Tips

1. Unless your child is likely to hurt themselves, or they are doing something dangerous, count to ten before you do anything at all.
2. In this state the child is beyond reasoning with so don't get drawn into an argument.
3. Don't ask more of your child than you know they can manage.
4. Try to remember that they are learning important lessons about themselves and both of you are practicing for the teenage years!
5. You may not mean what you say if you are angry and upset in the heat of the moment, so try to remember NOT to say things to hurt them back. Threats like leaving them or having them taken away are not appropriate or helpful.
6. Don't assume that the child you see in meltdown will grow up to be a monster. These temper tantrums will fade, sometimes quite slowly, but they will reduce over a couple of years.

If you have real concerns that your child has never really started talking, or does not enjoy being with others, has become restless and destructive, and takes no pleasure in anything,  do ask for specialist advice. Parents in this situation may feel that there is a real barrier between them and their child. It is not a good idea to just leave things as they are and hope for improvement. See a health professional and have an assessment and get some practical advice and support.