6 Tips for dealing with Temper Tantrums

Temper Tantrums are most common in the 2 to 3 year old age group. Children of this age regularly experience overwhelming emotions and, if they manage to stay on an even keel all day long they are copping very well indeed. They do not have the language skills, or the vocabulary to tell their parents what they are feeling,  this can make life overwhelming at times.

When your child has a melt down they are demonstrating to you what it feels like when they can no longer cope. This can happen because they are exhausted or overwhelmed. It is not an attempt just to get attention. They are probably frightened as well as angry. Their anger has become so powerful that they can no longer see mummy and daddy as friendly and helpful. Coming up with a solution, or buying them off with treats is not helpful. (although most parents have done this at some time!)

Coping with your child's temper tantrum does not mean trying to stop the child from being angry. It is about coping with how angry this makes you feel. During a meltdown it is easy to become as angry as your child and to scream back at them. No parent can be perfectly calm throughout these events, but you need to be able to control your own emotions, particularly when your child's emotions are outwith control.
Firmness, understanding and tolerance are all very important. Simply telling a child to behave does not empower them to cope with  their overwhelming feelings. This is something they learn, but it takes time. Learning that it is possible to be distressed or angry without throwing a tantrum, comes from the demonstration of their parents who can be seen struggling to cope with their own frustration and worry.

Tips

1. Unless your child is likely to hurt themselves, or they are doing something dangerous, count to ten before you do anything at all.
2. In this state the child is beyond reasoning with so don't get drawn into an argument.
3. Don't ask more of your child than you know they can manage.
4. Try to remember that they are learning important lessons about themselves and both of you are practicing for the teenage years!
5. You may not mean what you say if you are angry and upset in the heat of the moment, so try to remember NOT to say things to hurt them back. Threats like leaving them or having them taken away are not appropriate or helpful.
6. Don't assume that the child you see in meltdown will grow up to be a monster. These temper tantrums will fade, sometimes quite slowly, but they will reduce over a couple of years.

If you have real concerns that your child has never really started talking, or does not enjoy being with others, has become restless and destructive, and takes no pleasure in anything,  do ask for specialist advice. Parents in this situation may feel that there is a real barrier between them and their child. It is not a good idea to just leave things as they are and hope for improvement. See a health professional and have an assessment and get some practical advice and support.

Children and choices.

Children have very little control of their lives. Parents will make all the decisions for them. To give them some control, it is good to offer them simple choices. As they learn to make these choices, they learn the consequenses of them and to take responsibility at their own level, for the decisions they make. Choices should be simple, between A or B.

The more choice a child has the more confused they become and the more difficult the choice. From a very early age children should be given choices to make which give them a feeling of control without becoming battle ground between child and parent.

A child who learns early in life to make choices for themselves is more secure in that they realise and appreciate that every decision comes with a consequence. Choosing not to wear wellingtons and stomping in puddles results in wet feet! Choosing to wear a summer dress on a winter day makes life cold and uncomfortable.

If your child is used to making simple decisions for themselves then they are more co-operative when you decide that it is now your turn to make the decision for them. The child becomes more self aware and more responsible, within the limits of their age and stage of development.

Learn to trust your child and let them make some simple decisons for themselves.

Attachment and separation issues

A study, partly funded by the National Science Foundation, and conducted by researchers at the University of Reading (in the United Kingdom), the University of Leiden (in the Netherlands), the Barnet, Enfield & Haringey Mental Health National Health Service Trust (also in the U.K.), and the University of Illinois at Urbana-Champaign investigated Attachment Parenting theory.

This study, published in the March/April 2010 issue of the journal Child Development, suggests that children who cannot maintain a coherent strategy for coping with separation, are at greatest risk of later developing behavioural problems and becoming aggressive.

This study is a meta-analysis of 69 studies involving almost 6,000 children ages 12 and younger.

According to attachment theory, children with secure attachments have repeated experiences with caregivers who are responsive to their needs, and thus expect their caregivers to be available, and comforting when called upon. In contrast, children with insecure attachments, have an experience in which requests are discouraged, rejected, or responded to inconsistently, which is thought to make them vulnerable to developing behavioural problems.

The researchers sought to clarify the extent to which bonds between children and their mothers early in life, affect children's behavioural problems later, such as aggression or hostility. Behaviour problems were measured up to age 12. The studies included in their review used a range of methods for assessing children's behaviour problems, including parent and teacher questionnaires and direct observations.

If you consider all the small separations which allow your child to practice separation from mum and dad, like sleeping in their own bed, staying with another carer, attending nursery or creche it becomes even more obvious that these small events allow your child to develop coping skills. Children who never experience such small scale "practice" have much more difficulty in coping, not just with the separations life brings, but with many other events, for which they are totally unprepared.


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